Conversation with teenage daughter
By admin | August 18, 2007
When I came home from attending a friend’s daughter’s wedding dinner, it was about 11pm and the first thing I did was to go to my youngest daughter’s room, she is 12.
As I open her bedroom door, I noticed the table lamp’s light was on and her laptop is also open with music and colored bubbles floating on her screen. But no sign of her, naturally I look behind the door and there she was hiding behind the door smiling. She likes to give me surprises and I actually enjoyed it. I love the playful relationship with her. She spontaneously asked me to scratch her back. I said, ” I haven’t even changed yet and you ask me to scratch your back?” “How cruel?” She said, “Please lah mummy, so long you didn’t scratch my back you know?”
Quite true. As I looked around her room, I thought, she is such a lucky girl. I went on to say to her, “Do you know that your room is actually very nice, look at the wall, your bedcover, your blanket, your bed and your curtain, they all matched so well.” It’s so cosy here. I reminded her to take her vitamins and remember to wear her nice long pants before she grew out of them. I said, “Your sister’s and brother’s T-shirts are so nice, why dont you wear them? She said, ” Kor Kor’s (brother) T-shirt is too big for me. I said, “Never mind, wear to sleep it’s very comfortable. She plonked onto her bed with her back facing up all ready for me to do my “duty” scratch her back. She said, “I am already taking over Che Che’s (sister) clothes.” I asked, “Are you happy with taking over her clothes?” She said, “Ya! I like them.” I thought silently to myself - hmm … save money. I said, “OK, good, why dont you switch off your laptop and in case you fall asleep you don’t have to get up and switch it off? That sounds to her that I am going to scratch her back and she happily got up from her bed to switch it off. She crawled back onto her bed with me sitting at the edge of the bed. As I scratched her back and also message her I said, “Ok, I will do this until you fall asleep because I felt that recently I seemed to have neglected you, with you on your laptop, staying back in school and going out with friends so often and me on my laptop too. You used to swim with me and you stopped for quite a while. Nowadays I have been swimming with your brother and your sister is joining us too. If you dont want to swim, I can go to the gym with you, you know I am a physical person and it’s good for my health.” “So do you think I have neglected you?” She said, “No.”
I felt relieved to hear her say that calmly. I said, “You are quite spiritual, can I ask you, do you think I am a good mother? She said. “yes”. I asked, “Specifically what is good about me?” She said with her eyes closed, “You are kind, encouraging,
forgiving and listen to us.” My heart glow with peace and joy. To get assurance, or just to hear it again, I said, “you must be sincere, not because you want me to scratch your back OK?” She confirmed & repeated, those words of affirmation. I said, “Thank you for being so encouraging, it’s nice to hear such things about me. It always good to ask people about your strength because we have blind spots. Wanting to hear more, I asked her, “What else?” She said, “You are strict when you have to.” Some parents are very strict and dont listen to their children but you listen.” I liked what I hear because it gave me a sense of balance & peace. I have often felt that childen do not feel listened to, valued nor respected. Best news that I have ever heard. I felt like I am proressing to A’s for parenting. She continued, “Except that sometimes you are irritating.” I asked, “Oh! when is that?” She said, “Like when we tell you something about you that we don’t like and you started laughing and singing, that can be irritating to us.” I said, “Oh!” She continued, “It’s just like when you sometimes talk to me and I dont like to hear what you say and cover my ears.” I said, “Sounds like denial?”. she was feeling very relaxed by then and said, “Mummy can you dont talk to me otherwise I cannot sleep.” She looked like she is drifting into “La La Land.” I continued to massage her neck and forehead and she softly gave me feedback, “The neck part is nice.” We are used to giving each other feedback whenever we message each other, so that came from her automatically. I said, “Thanks for the specific feedback so that I would do more of.” After a few more minutes of massage, I reckoned she is entering slumber land. I gave her a few good-nite pecks on her soft & smooth cheek and covered her with her silky blanket and whispered to her “I love you.”
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Open Water Dive
By admin | August 8, 2007
Scuba diving was one of the things in my ‘to do’ list. I tried to garner interests from my two daughters and her cousin. My sister-in-law decided to join in too. We know how important it is to connect with our teens. We talked about it several months’ ago and it wasn’t until the cousin showed interests that my daughter started doing research. Once you get them warmed up it’s easy to delegate the job and Ihad assigned that job. They went to the internet to check out a few organisers. Fortunately I had some experience with msn, it was a breeze to conference through the msn with them. It’s so important to keep up with the times to connect with the teens!
I remembered the last time I tried to explain something to my mum and felt frustrated when she don’t know what I was talking about. Now it’s kind of fun sitting in the same room and msning to each other and with the cousin in our msn conference. Now I realised how useful it is to read my email and hear them writing to me in the msn and I would go into the organisers website to check whilst they check on other organisers. We checked on what are the differences in the pricing, what is included in the dive and where to register. Teamwork! After that we had to choose the dates that all of us could attend the theory class and practical class in the sea. We decided to go to Tioman and that cost us each S$530.00 to go for theory class one nite, take the exam then go for the 2 days open water dive and get a certificate. Obviously I did not really know what I was in for. We booked our Monday theory class. I had to pay a deposit and since we all could not make it at the same time I offered to do it on July 21 when I had my Toastmaster’s club meeting in Tanjong Pagar. I climbed up an old restored building which is three floors up a flight of narrow stairs. When I opened the door, I caught sight of a quiet cosy place decorated with a bar-like table. As I scan the room, I saw wet suit, flippers, goggles and some scuba diving equipment were neatly hung on scaffolding bars. The wooden floors brought back nostalgic feeling of the my old house in Victoria street way back 1950s!
A young lady walked towards me with a bright smile. She checked her computer and found that we had not registered online. We ran through some details about the course dates and payment. Then a young man came to assist her. He then gave me a recycled bag to put my five books on the Open Water Diver Manuals for the theory course that we had to take. I was asked to return the recycled bag. It was heart-warming to know that we are aware of global warming and practising protection of our earth. I had registered it in my head to ensure I return it to him. We were supposed to read from Chapter 1 to 3 before we come back for the training and exam! Wow, one look at the book I was thinking I had better form a study group and make sure we all study together and revise so that we could all pass at the same time.
My youngest daughter 12 was not keen to join us, she is getting thick with her friends. I was concerned that if one day when she decided to take scuba diving she has no company and when we go on diving trips she would not be able to join us. It’s so important for her to connect with us and bond with her sister. Good excuse to have potluck on that weekend and read through our book together. Reluctantly my youngest daughter had to be coersed to get away from her laptop msning her friends. She finally sat with us to go through Chapter one! We did not finish at the first sitting and planned to come back on July 28 Sat to read through again. Our confined water diving (practice in the swimming pool with full gear) was scheduled on July 29 Sunday at the Safra Telok Blangah from 10am to 5pm. We thought it would be useful to complete before our confined water diving. More fun doing it together. Pot-luck again! My sister-in-law’s cooking has improved tremendously over the years and now she is the best cook apart from my mother in our family. We looked forward to her home cooked food!
Sunday July 29, the sky was cloudy the whole day! We were each given a set of gear for diving. We were first taught what they are, how to prepare them for diving and how to get into the wet suit, how to use the weight, the tank. We had an instructor and an assistant. After we realised what we had to put on, my sister-in-law and I looked at each other. We guessed each other’s thought, “the tank is so big and heavy how are we going to manage!” We were assured and guided patiently. We got into the water, put on our mask and tried for the first time to breath through the regulator. I have been swimming very often in my condo and laps regularly. This time breathing in and out through the regulator made me uneasy. We had to deflate the BCD (Buoyancy control device) to sink and inflate to float easily above water. Both of us kept floating because we were anxious and could have breathed in quite heavily. The three girls as usual had no fear. I had to signal to go up when I had this unfounded fear of not being able to breath when we were asked to practise clearing our mask. During our break, I realised my sister-in-law had the same problem too. I even had a thought to not join them in the sea. The instructor explained that it is normal to have discomfort which can be overcome with more confidence. Initially we can feel clausterphobic. At the end of the practice about 5:30pm we were feeling cold and we knew we had to come back to practise more to have more confidence.
July 30, 2007 Monday about 7pm we trooped to the Divers office and we sat on the cushions on the floor with a low table. The trainer went through with us about the Knowledge Development Sections & Confined Water Dives. We were shown a presentation slides. We were then taught how to do calculation using the Recreational Dive Planner to plan our dives. By then it was 11pm! I have long given back my maths knowledge and certainly dont quite understand what he was talking about. The two teens were absorbing all that so quickly and the pre-teen was falling asleep because it was way past her bed-time! My sister-in-law was tired too a full day in the office. My eagerness to understand it kept me awake, albeit tired too. By midnight, we knew we could not take the exam so we had to come back again! We had a great time learning together and being together.
We planned to come back on August 6 Monday for the exam because any other days some of us have CCA, meetings and concert to attend.
August 4 Saturday we had our potluck and waiting for the cousin to come and teach us the calculation because she seemed to have got it quite well. We had a white board and my eldest daughter started to explain to us because the cousin could not be with us yet. When the cousin came she took over. I must say that they were good. She explained in such a way that I was able to grasp. It was a new learning for me and my sister-in-law. My internal dialogue went like that “Is it age that slow us down or ….mental alertness… or….?” Nevertheless, most important is to have the enthusiasm to continue to learn new things! Living it up with a positive mindset! When we finished, we practised the calculation several times hoping that we dont have to stay back so late when we go on Monday August 6.
I called the Diver’s office to see whether we could go on Aug 5 Sunday to have our second confined water practice. He said, “Only the two of you need.” Your girls are like fishes, they dont need. I said, “Oh, OK.” So we went and this time a youn lady trained us. She was patient and shared many of her experiences; both of us were more confident, we kept practising the clearing of our masks. This time we finished in 2-1/2 hours.
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Developing Your Child
By admin | August 3, 2007
This is a good resource for you to get free newsletters and information that is of interest to you if you are teachers, parents, students or educators who impact lives.
If you do not wish to reinvent the wheels and you resonates with his ethos of empowerment like I do, his program saves you time to do other things in your life.
I have used the Goal Setting & Buddy System materials to deliver to Secondary 4 students and they enjoyed it very much and got loads from it.
Click here to access the resources.
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What teenagers say….what mothers feel…What women think…
By admin | July 13, 2007
My youngest daughter is 12. She said to me, “You think we don’t know anything.” We are better than adults, when we don’t agree with our friends we talk it out, adults don’t do that, you quarrel.” I can’t agree with her more. I felt a little ashame too. This is one of the unconditioning that I am talking about and have done a lot over the years. I am very much at peace now that I can accept people as who they are and who they are not, that gave me the peace within.
Some teenagers say:
“Adults like to nag and scold and refused to let us explain. They think they are right all the time and like to assume and threaten.”
“They like to compare our results with cousins & friends!”
“They don’t trust us!”
Children teach us what we forgot and when we keep focusing on their potential and trust, we could learn much from each other. Children came through us and are there to manifest what we couldn’t see about ourselves. If you care to look closely, if you dare to look from within and if you have the courage to look beyond there is so much treasure that you can share.
I had lunch with a travel agent, she asked me what do I do. I said, I am a Life Coach. She said, “Oh, what is that? You are a sports coach? Swimming Coach? She sounded curious. We set down for lunch and I did my best to explain. The easiest was to talk about something that both of us are interested in. I asked her whether she has kids and she said yes, and looked preoccupied. “So what is your challenge?” She said, “Kids are really different these days!” I did not hesitate to agree. She said, when you tell them this is wrong they purposely do it. Sometimes, they even said “I don’t like you, and it hurts!” “They are so unlike us, when we were young and if our parents said don’t do this, we stop.” I liked what I heard because that is what my kids do too!
Hmm…. glad that I am not the only one suffering. Well, I am not a saddist, just felt that I am normal! I was excited to share with her how helpless I was 5 years’ ago until I started working on myself. On reflection, that was really a journey of self-discovery, breaking the pattern, unconditioning myself and reconditioning myself. Now my kids are 18, 16 and 12! Teenagers! I used to shudder with just the thought of them coming to these scary ages. Guess, I dont shudder so much, just clinch at times. Thanks to learning coaching skills, it helps a thousand times. From a helpless parent to a parent who could parent with more confidence and with joy. She asked me, “So what happens when you start to change? I said, “Initially it wasn’t easy, my children was not used to me changing the way I talk, the way I behave. They sometimes get angry with me.” I continued, “Well, I was determined to do something different almost every day. Yes, I was not happy with my old self. I didn’t even know I know myself any longer. I am sure many women knew what I meant. When you are awakened, you know that this is not you. No use trying to change others, it does not work that way. For anything to change, it begins with you! You desperately want to change, to do something about it. You know it is unstoppable when you so much as discover a glimpse of who you are and experience bits of new found confidence; That move you forward with hope.”
I shared with her that I did group coaching for students to get to understand and take this as part of my research of why there is this gap between parents, teachers and students that I felt so strongly exist.
I have coached Real Estate Directors, Insurance Manager, IT Executives, Head of Department in School, Trainers and consultants to name a few; it has occurred to me that when your relationship is not working, your life is not working. Life skills is a must have, it does make a difference in the work-place. Whether you are a CEO or a parent, or an individual, when you are not happy at home, you are not happy at work and vice versa. No two ways about it.
Many people are beginning to ask for parent coach program. Group coaching for parents. Many women I believe, find their lives torn between two lovers living like fools. To leave their job or not to leave their job?. To be a stay-at-home mom is lonely, unrewarding & challenging especially when you are not equipped with communication skills & parenting skills; When the single income is insufficient to grapple with the rising cost of living and education for children. To stay too long out of the work force also means you would not have the confidence to go back when there is a need, or want to. Any comments?
Topics: Parent Coaching | No Comments »
What is Life Coaching? ** Benefits of Coaching
By admin | July 13, 2007
Life Coaching begins with people asking any one of these questions of themselves:
* “How to find my passion?”
* “I want to get out of this good paying job that I hate and do what I love!”
* “I want to start my own business, but how?”
* “How can I do better with my job?”
* “I want my life back!”
* “Why are you controlling me?”
* “Given a golden handshake and don’t know what to do next?”
* “I cannot focus or concentrate!”
How do I know that I am ready for a shift in mindset? How do I know that I am going to make a change in my life? How to start changing?
Feel free to post your questions or comment here or email to dolly@mindset-coaching.com or
Visit my website www.mindset-coaching.com for more information on coaching.
** Benefits of being coached
Coaching is a process of your experience of greater confidence, self-awareness, courage to create bigger dreams, new habits, new behavior and personal satisfaction. As a new ‘you’ emerged, you will get to know your values and the alignment to your inner self. You are able to make conscious decisions to make things happen. Living life as human being versus human doing.
Dear friends, one important question for you, yes, you my dear reader,
A question for you: “One year down the road, where do you see yourself?”
A glimpse of my experience of my being coached in 2003:
“During the process of being coached, I found gems along the way and yes, warts as well. I called them warts because they hinder my smooth transition to quality living. It was very uncomfortable at first. The encouragement and support of my coach together with my courage & action helped me break my pattern! I found courage to replace wishing to willing to take action! A Coach motivates and provides positive feedback. Keeps you focus on where you are and where you want to go. Positively showing you your blind spots! Things that I thought were very difficult were becoming easier, goals that I had been thinking and thinking and thinking for five years come true within eight months of being coached!
One to one coaching has given me bonus years! Each encounter and exploration is enriched by extraordinary experiences by an ordinary person. I can do it, so can you!”~ Dolly Yeo
Topics: Life Coaching | No Comments »