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Conversation with teenage daughter
By admin | August 18, 2007
When I came home from attending a friend’s daughter’s wedding dinner, it was about 11pm and the first thing I did was to go to my youngest daughter’s room, she is 12.
As I open her bedroom door, I noticed the table lamp’s light was on and her laptop is also open with music and colored bubbles floating on her screen. But no sign of her, naturally I look behind the door and there she was hiding behind the door smiling. She likes to give me surprises and I actually enjoyed it. I love the playful relationship with her. She spontaneously asked me to scratch her back. I said, ” I haven’t even changed yet and you ask me to scratch your back?” “How cruel?” She said, “Please lah mummy, so long you didn’t scratch my back you know?”
Quite true. As I looked around her room, I thought, she is such a lucky girl. I went on to say to her, “Do you know that your room is actually very nice, look at the wall, your bedcover, your blanket, your bed and your curtain, they all matched so well.” It’s so cosy here. I reminded her to take her vitamins and remember to wear her nice long pants before she grew out of them. I said, “Your sister’s and brother’s T-shirts are so nice, why dont you wear them? She said, ” Kor Kor’s (brother) T-shirt is too big for me. I said, “Never mind, wear to sleep it’s very comfortable. She plonked onto her bed with her back facing up all ready for me to do my “duty” scratch her back. She said, “I am already taking over Che Che’s (sister) clothes.” I asked, “Are you happy with taking over her clothes?” She said, “Ya! I like them.” I thought silently to myself - hmm … save money. I said, “OK, good, why dont you switch off your laptop and in case you fall asleep you don’t have to get up and switch it off? That sounds to her that I am going to scratch her back and she happily got up from her bed to switch it off. She crawled back onto her bed with me sitting at the edge of the bed. As I scratched her back and also message her I said, “Ok, I will do this until you fall asleep because I felt that recently I seemed to have neglected you, with you on your laptop, staying back in school and going out with friends so often and me on my laptop too. You used to swim with me and you stopped for quite a while. Nowadays I have been swimming with your brother and your sister is joining us too. If you dont want to swim, I can go to the gym with you, you know I am a physical person and it’s good for my health.” “So do you think I have neglected you?” She said, “No.”
I felt relieved to hear her say that calmly. I said, “You are quite spiritual, can I ask you, do you think I am a good mother? She said. “yes”. I asked, “Specifically what is good about me?” She said with her eyes closed, “You are kind, encouraging,
forgiving and listen to us.” My heart glow with peace and joy. To get assurance, or just to hear it again, I said, “you must be sincere, not because you want me to scratch your back OK?” She confirmed & repeated, those words of affirmation. I said, “Thank you for being so encouraging, it’s nice to hear such things about me. It always good to ask people about your strength because we have blind spots. Wanting to hear more, I asked her, “What else?” She said, “You are strict when you have to.” Some parents are very strict and dont listen to their children but you listen.” I liked what I hear because it gave me a sense of balance & peace. I have often felt that childen do not feel listened to, valued nor respected. Best news that I have ever heard. I felt like I am proressing to A’s for parenting. She continued, “Except that sometimes you are irritating.” I asked, “Oh! when is that?” She said, “Like when we tell you something about you that we don’t like and you started laughing and singing, that can be irritating to us.” I said, “Oh!” She continued, “It’s just like when you sometimes talk to me and I dont like to hear what you say and cover my ears.” I said, “Sounds like denial?”. she was feeling very relaxed by then and said, “Mummy can you dont talk to me otherwise I cannot sleep.” She looked like she is drifting into “La La Land.” I continued to massage her neck and forehead and she softly gave me feedback, “The neck part is nice.” We are used to giving each other feedback whenever we message each other, so that came from her automatically. I said, “Thanks for the specific feedback so that I would do more of.” After a few more minutes of massage, I reckoned she is entering slumber land. I gave her a few good-nite pecks on her soft & smooth cheek and covered her with her silky blanket and whispered to her “I love you.”
Topics: Parent Coaching |